Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
