I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you would pick up someone in the library
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
