his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
