at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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