I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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