im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize