my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
