Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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