I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
