Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You can't motorboat a personality
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
