I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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