nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
