If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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