Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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