I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
