WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
