Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
