My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
