I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
