Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
