I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
