Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
