Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
