I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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