had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
