I am spending my child support on dildos
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
