I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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