So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
