dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
