pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
