So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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