I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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