We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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