dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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