What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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