As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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