There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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