One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
