i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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