Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
