Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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