when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
