After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i think i just lost a toe
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
