im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
A bitchslap is in order.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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