Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
