dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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