I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
