I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
