I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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