So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
