evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
