Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Found your dick twin last night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
