My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
