i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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