I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
