I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
