He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
