So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
